I debated with myself if I should write this. But, I always feel better after I write, and I haven't posted in a while, so here goes.
I call it the "Shattered Heart" effect.
Mr. Salt and I visited my aunt's house for Christmas. The house was full, I was expecting my side (i.e. my mother's side) of the family to be around. But, my aunt's husband's family was there too. No big deal, just means I can't 'visit' with the family as I would like. Too many people around.
So after the obligatory hugs and kisses between my aunts (younger, whom I'm referring to now, and older, who I'll get to in a minute), grandma, and cousin, I get drawn to a side room I realized now after all this that I was trying to get away. Maybe I sensed something.
Younger Aunt: I have something to tell you.
DineBoo: What?
Y. Aunt: I'm expecting twins.
Instantly, I felt my heart literately break. The Shattered Heart Effect struck again. The Shattered Heart Effect when something causes me extreme deress.
Nobody noticed the fake smile I pasted on my face as my immediate family surrounded my younger aunt with excited tones. Nobody noticed how quiet I got, not really cotributing to the good cheer. Nobody noticed when I excused myself(twice) from the grand announcement to the rest of the family to go to the restroom and cry my heart out. Nobody noticed my red eyes, or how I clung to Mr. Salt.
I felt so alone.
I felt crushed, but so guilty. My aunt has a one year son already, and now she's having twins? I can't get just one! But why am I not happy for her? Why do look at her with envy?
This, as you can see, caused me extreme duress. Why, you ask?
PCOS.
I've talked about it here. My PCOS prevents me from having a regular cycle, and how my chances of having kids drop if I don't take the require meds.
Also, Mr. Salt and I have been wanting zhindians for a while now. This year, we're really getting serious about it. For me to have even a chance, I have to be serious about taking all my meds, even though they make me nauseous, and have some interesting side effects. Looking at my pill box, I have to take five pills a day right now, dropping to four once I induce a cycle. There's insiline resistance drugs, prenatal drugs, and progesterone to reboot the system, as I call it.
All this for a Zhindian. Which will be worth it. But now, I hurt.
And what bothers me is that no one, besides Mr. Salt, saw how hurt I was. Granted, I'm good at hiding it, but when Mr. Salt decides that leaving the celebration is good for my well being, no pings to radar went off. I guess everyone was wrapped up with the celebration to notice.
And, just when I thought my older (and the nosiest) aunt was going to ask me what's wrong (she had dragged me to a quiet room to talk), all she asks was if Mr. Salt and I were having any money problems, how long my hair is getting, and my job. If I ever thought about opening up to her, it stopped just because of it. I know my eyes were red during the whole evening.
And nobody asked why.
Sigh. I'm rambling, but tha's what blogs are for. Hopefully, I'll have good news to share someday. But for now, I'll just pray.
-DineBoo
8 comments:
Sadly, I see this too often. I know you really, really want a child, but you were born with a condition that makes it highly unlikely you will ever get pregnant. So, instead of focusing on your great husband and your wonderful relationship; your large family and all the joy the holiday gathering could have provided; the fact that you are, otherwise, hopefully quite healthy (as is your wonderful, supportive husband); and you guys can obviously afford very expensive doctors and fertility medications; you are focusing on the one thing you do not and may not ever have -- a pregnancy.
Notice I didn't say you would never have a child, just maybe never have a pregnancy.
You keep beating your head against a brick wall because, by gosh, you want what you want and that's just all there is to it . . .
Well, maybe you could focus on all the blessings you already have and think that maybe, just maybe, you could adopt a child or 2 and be a wonderful mother even if you did not physically give birth (the only difference). Being a mother is about way more than the physical birthing act.
I just feel so bad seeing people who have so much allowing their potentially great lives to be side-tracked by one thing they don't have . . . and that's what gets almost 100% of their focus.
I wish you all the best . . .
CW
CW,
I thank you for you comments, but there is something I must clarify.
My family may be large, but that doesn't mean everything is kosher between us. My older aunt is very nosy. My cousin is highly competitive(to the point of being annoying) with me. I love them, but too much has gone on between my extended family and myself for me to be really 'warm' to them.
Adoption is always an option. But until my doctor say I cannot have children(they haven't yet), then I will consider it heavily. For now, there are things that I can correct myself that would make it easier to have children.
Besides, this is my blog, and I entitled to whine, cry, or laugh. I find your tone to be to much 'clucking your tongue'. If that's not what you meant. but I apologize. But it is too pretentious of you to say I should count my blessings. I do so everyday now, and I will always be in a better position than someone else. That's life.
-DineBoo
Well this "CW" believes your feelings are perfectly normal...I'm sure you know there is options...But it hurts nonetheless...Yes we have to endure and live life however...Take this time to process your feelings without neglecting the family you do have....Much Love!
BWDB http://thecwexperience.wordpress.com
I feel for you Dineboo, and you have every RIGHT to feel the way you do. It's only natural.
I can't imagine how it would feel to have a condition that hampers the chances of concieving a baby.
:( My heart goes out to you.
I wish you all the best and I hope you achieve your dream of becoming a mother this year.
:)
You are really brave for writing this and I hope that being able to express your feelings on your blog helps you to cop with things. I am in a similar situation as you and dealing with infertility really does hurt a lot. I am sending positive vibes your way:)
Have you looked into alternative therapies? Some people have had success with herbal remedies. If you go to herbalhealer.com (the herbal healer academy) you may find something that can help. I think you can call and request a catalog, the info is a bit better organized than the info on the web. You can also call the naturopath that runs the site and get some advice, perhaps.
I am really sorry for the pain you are feeling over this and hope you can conceive as many healthy, beautiful babies as you can handle.
I agree with Foreverloyal. Have you considered alternative therapies? My DH and I had been trying to get pregnant for a long time and found out that it wasn't me it was him (he has since started taking zinc/copper supplements and his sperm count is much better now). But what you can do is get accupuncture and Chinese herbs and I just started getting Maya Abdominal Massage which is wonderful for supplying more blood to the organs and also for repositioning your uterus and helping with pregnancy. It costs a lot less than the infertility meds and has no side effects. The only this is that the chinese herbs are bitter, but you can get them in capsule form (I'm hard core and love bitter tastes, but that's me). Don't fret, I know of several women who have done this and also combined it with Clomid, got pregnant and have beautiful healthy babies. It isn't impossible!
If you want more support please don't hesitate to PM me:
kemicutie@yahoo.com
DineBoo,
Oh, I'm reading your blog and my heart is hurting for you too! :( I recently experienced an ectopic pregnancy due to a fibroid condition. I was 10 weeks pregnant and feeling great! I didn't even have much morning sickness. Things seemed to be going fine. I'd already even gained 16 pounds!! But, then I started feeling terrible and it got worse so off the hospital we went. There we got horrible news that we had to let our baby go for my safety.
It was very hard for us, but we are doing OK. This hasn't ever happened to anyone in my family or my husband's either so I felt pretty depressed. As you know my husband is of Southeast Asian heritage (Filipino) so family is a top priority to him. It's one of his most endearing quailities in my opinion. Neither of us and our parents could wait for our little baby, however, it wasn't meant to be at this time.
I understand how you feel, but I'm already hopeful for you two!! : ) You are still young and have time regardless of what the doctors say about it! I've now spoken to 3 women who were diagnosed by doctors as "unable" to have their own children, but they are now happily mothers! : ) One of them is now having her second baby! Have you thought about trying TCM (traditional Chinese medicine)? We are big believers in it. Don't give up and try to stay strong. I'm working on shrinking my fibroids via herbal and nutritional therapies. So, far it seems to be working great. You can feel free to e-mail me if you'd like. chelb_75@yahoo.com
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